Plagues

Remember the plagues of Egypt? A river of blood. That was supposed to spook old Pharoah into letting Moses's people go.

At first thought, it sounds pretty creepy. But compare it to what we live with every day today. Rivers of motor oil, syringes, and used condoms. Which is worse?

OK, sure, Egypt's entire agriculture system was based around the Nile, while ours is based around managing software projects coded in India or producing movies made in Canada, so it probably affected them more than it would us.

But personally I'd rather be drinking blood than motor oil, syringes, and used condoms. And that's despite the fact that some annoying wannabe-vampire twits would think I was cool for drinking blood.

Of course someone will point out that, unlike the Egyptians, we can drink bottled water. Is that any better? More than half of California's tap water comes from the same lake system as Arrowhead. And it's not $2 a bottle.

Also, something like 30 million of the various brands of bottled water are actually owned by Coke or Pepsi. Read the fine print. (Oddly, in the developing word they put their gigantic logos on the water, and people drink it because they trust Coke more than some company they've never heard of....) And then there's the imported French water that's not legal for sale in France.

Even when the bottled water isn't just your municipal tap water or the runoff from the Coke plant, studies show that it's no cleaner. And, while most brands win in taste tests against most cities' tap water, that's just because of the chlorine.

If you really want healthy water, get distilled water. A gallon costs less than a pint of whatever post-Evian brand you're into. And it has no nasty bacteria or chemical runoff. And no weird taste.

Unfortunately, distilled water also has no electrolytes--and dying of a water overdose sounds pretty sad, especially if you're not even on ecstasy. Plus, some people apparently like the taste of dirt in their beverage. I don't get it, but it's true.

But you can fix both problems by adding a sprinkling of salty dirt.

Come to think of it, maybe someone should sell special blends of salty dirt as "mineral packets," to add your favorite flavor or "health boost" to distilled water. (Personally, I prefer a blend of table salt, potassium salt, MSG, iron, manganese, selenium, and LSD.) It'd be cheaper for both the manufacturers and for the consumers.

Plus, we'd be living that old joke about "dehydrated water--just add water."

Anyway, I've gotten way off the topic of the Egyptians' plagues. The Egyptians had locusts, rivers of blood, hail-and-ice-and-fire storms, death of cattle--we have killer bees, rivers of oil, the last three Novembers (at least in the Bay Area), and Mad Cow Disease.

Frankly, I'm not sure how we're still alive, but I'm in favor of figuring out who God has chosen this time and letting them go wherever the hell they want.

But maybe that's just because I'm a first-born son.