Masks and Sports

So apparently a famous Mexican wrestler died a while ago. I had no idea. Everyone says it the same way: "You know, the Mexican wrestler."

Now, in my head, I'm thinking of Mexican Wrestlers. You know, with the masks and capes and the extreme overacting that made them so much fun. One of them died? That's a tragedy! But no, this is just some guy who happens to be both Mexican and a wrestler of the American variety. No mask. No cape. No bizarre combination of Catholic, Satanic, and Precolombian mythology. Hohum.

At first, I feel bad for not caring more--I mean, a human being died. But you know, a few million others did, too. So lay off your guilt trip.

My next thought is, would I care more about athletes in other sports if they wore capes and masks?

And then it hit me. This is the first time I realized that no other sports have capes and masks. Even in Mexico.

Outside of wrestling, what sports even have masks? Not many. OK, baseball catchers and hockey goalies, but somehow Johnny Bench never had the same kind of charm as El Santo.

Maybe he needed a cape.

The real scientific test is to find some good opposed pairs. So, who's cooler: Mario Andretti, or Racer X? Dale Earnhardt, or Racer X? Speed Racer, or Racer X? Rex Racer, or Racer X?

Yes, I'm a bit short on examples. And yes, the last two are the same guy--but Racer X is still cooler. The conclusion is obvious.

Everyone's whining about how crappy sports are today. We pay them $100 million and they won't even work their asses off like the old guys used to. Frankly, that doesn't bother me too much--if we're stupid enough to pay them $100 million without any kind of performance review process, they'd be stupid not to take advantage. Obviously they're getting something out of those college scholarships.

But at least we can tell them they have to wear masks. And capes. I suspect some of the basketball guys would enjoy it. As a side benefit, the white-kid-wannabe-ghetto types would all start wearing capes.

That's mildly cool because the upper-middle-class kids once wore capes to look like the rich, and now they'll be wearing them to look like the poor. But it's really cool because this is the perfect time for the real poor to open fire in a glorious Tarantino-ripping-off-Lam-ripping-off-Peckinpah moment. Just imagine the sight.

Well, I've gone a bit astray. My central point is this: If you want to take sports fandom back from stats-crunching nerds and flaming homosexuals with endless puns about tight ends, add capes and masks. Trust me.