Plagues

Remember the plagues of Egypt? A river of blood. That was supposed to spook old Pharoah into letting Moses's people go.

At first thought, it sounds pretty creepy. But compare it to what we live with every day today. Rivers of motor oil, syringes, and used condoms. Which is worse?

OK, sure, Egypt's entire agriculture system was based around the Nile, while ours is based around managing software projects coded in India or producing movies made in Canada, so it probably affected them more than it would us.

But personally I'd rather be drinking blood than motor oil, syringes, and used condoms. And that's despite the fact that some annoying wannabe-vampire twits would think I was cool for drinking blood.

Of course someone will point out that, unlike the Egyptians, we can drink bottled water. Is that any better? More than half of California's tap water comes from the same lake system as Arrowhead. And it's not $2 a bottle.

Also, something like 30 million of the various brands of bottled water are actually owned by Coke or Pepsi. Read the fine print. (Oddly, in the developing word they put their gigantic logos on the water, and people drink it because they trust Coke more than some company they've never heard of....) And then there's the imported French water that's not legal for sale in France.

Even when the bottled water isn't just your municipal tap water or the runoff from the Coke plant, studies show that it's no cleaner. And, while most brands win in taste tests against most cities' tap water, that's just because of the chlorine.

If you really want healthy water, get distilled water. A gallon costs less than a pint of whatever post-Evian brand you're into. And it has no nasty bacteria or chemical runoff. And no weird taste.

Unfortunately, distilled water also has no electrolytes--and dying of a water overdose sounds pretty sad, especially if you're not even on ecstasy. Plus, some people apparently like the taste of dirt in their beverage. I don't get it, but it's true.

But you can fix both problems by adding a sprinkling of salty dirt.

Come to think of it, maybe someone should sell special blends of salty dirt as "mineral packets," to add your favorite flavor or "health boost" to distilled water. (Personally, I prefer a blend of table salt, potassium salt, MSG, iron, manganese, selenium, and LSD.) It'd be cheaper for both the manufacturers and for the consumers.

Plus, we'd be living that old joke about "dehydrated water--just add water."

Anyway, I've gotten way off the topic of the Egyptians' plagues. The Egyptians had locusts, rivers of blood, hail-and-ice-and-fire storms, death of cattle--we have killer bees, rivers of oil, the last three Novembers (at least in the Bay Area), and Mad Cow Disease.

Frankly, I'm not sure how we're still alive, but I'm in favor of figuring out who God has chosen this time and letting them go wherever the hell they want.

But maybe that's just because I'm a first-born son.

Masks and Sports

So apparently a famous Mexican wrestler died a while ago. I had no idea. Everyone says it the same way: "You know, the Mexican wrestler."

Now, in my head, I'm thinking of Mexican Wrestlers. You know, with the masks and capes and the extreme overacting that made them so much fun. One of them died? That's a tragedy! But no, this is just some guy who happens to be both Mexican and a wrestler of the American variety. No mask. No cape. No bizarre combination of Catholic, Satanic, and Precolombian mythology. Hohum.

At first, I feel bad for not caring more--I mean, a human being died. But you know, a few million others did, too. So lay off your guilt trip.

My next thought is, would I care more about athletes in other sports if they wore capes and masks?

And then it hit me. This is the first time I realized that no other sports have capes and masks. Even in Mexico.

Outside of wrestling, what sports even have masks? Not many. OK, baseball catchers and hockey goalies, but somehow Johnny Bench never had the same kind of charm as El Santo.

Maybe he needed a cape.

The real scientific test is to find some good opposed pairs. So, who's cooler: Mario Andretti, or Racer X? Dale Earnhardt, or Racer X? Speed Racer, or Racer X? Rex Racer, or Racer X?

Yes, I'm a bit short on examples. And yes, the last two are the same guy--but Racer X is still cooler. The conclusion is obvious.

Everyone's whining about how crappy sports are today. We pay them $100 million and they won't even work their asses off like the old guys used to. Frankly, that doesn't bother me too much--if we're stupid enough to pay them $100 million without any kind of performance review process, they'd be stupid not to take advantage. Obviously they're getting something out of those college scholarships.

But at least we can tell them they have to wear masks. And capes. I suspect some of the basketball guys would enjoy it. As a side benefit, the white-kid-wannabe-ghetto types would all start wearing capes.

That's mildly cool because the upper-middle-class kids once wore capes to look like the rich, and now they'll be wearing them to look like the poor. But it's really cool because this is the perfect time for the real poor to open fire in a glorious Tarantino-ripping-off-Lam-ripping-off-Peckinpah moment. Just imagine the sight.

Well, I've gone a bit astray. My central point is this: If you want to take sports fandom back from stats-crunching nerds and flaming homosexuals with endless puns about tight ends, add capes and masks. Trust me.